Walmart (with Kids in Tow) is NOT for the Faint of Heart

The other day I was tired and grumpy.  Really tired and REALLY GRUMPY.  I knew that I needed to go to the grocery (which in my town basically equals going to the super Wal-Mart), I knew I wasn't going to get it done before picking up the kids from school, and I also knew that I was seriously not in the right frame of mind to be tackling that chore on that particular evening.

So- knowing my limitations, I decided to "make do" for dinner that evening.  Grilled cheese and tomato soup- no bread.  A filling potato soup using left over mashed potatoes from Thanksgiving- no milk.  Garden supper casserole using leftovers- need the above mentioned milk and bread.... and on and on it went as I scoured the deep freeze and kitchen cabinets.  Finally I had had enough of stretching my poor mind and told the kids to get shoes and coats on. WE WERE GOING TO WAL-MART.

The following is a copy of the email I sent to my mother late that evening, after the kids were fed, bathed and in bed- and after my sense of humor had been semi-restored....

I have a headache- (content removed d/t privacy)

I was out of milk. Cereal. Bread. and Salami.... no salami here is a true tragedy in case you were unaware.

Kylie was having an emotional meltdown because her makeup homework (she stayed home with a throat infection)  said to write incorrect spelling works 3xs each and there was no pretest sent home.

Emma was having a tantrum because-- well it was 330, and she was Emma.

Alaina was well.... Alaina, 'nuf said.

I needed food to cook for dinner.

I WAS NOT IN THE RIGHT MINDSET TO GO TO WALMART WITH KIDS.

So I attempt to fix dinner without above said items.

Not happening.  Into the van, wailing kids in tow, to Wal-Mart we shall go.

Tristen who is a little boy (and little boys often have trouble keeping their arms inside of a three foot radius of the core of their body) somehow manages to knock over a tooth brush display. I pick it up... pretending I don't want to kill someone- mostly the old man who was in our way, forcing us to go that close to the display.

Emma rams into my ankle with the cart.

Alaina jumps off the front of cart directly into path of a grumpy woman on a motorized scooter (because obviously walking would take more effort than she was willing to expend, since I later observed her part her scooter and walk, capably to her vehicle) 

Alaina and Tristen WAIL becasue Kylie and Emma were assigned the duty of each getting a gallon of milk.  

Emma rams into my ankle with the cart.

Emma chases Tristen around cart, I reach out to grab her and instead inadvertently knock her down, her elbow smashes off the floor and she is now wailing.

WalMart is busy as all get out by the way.....

Emma rams into my ankle with the cart.

Go to check out and get into a line behind a little old lady who is price checking EVERY SINGLE ITEM.

Move to new line (behind Marilyn Horan) behind a woman with 5 million coupons.

Give up on that line and go to self check.

Kids are super *HELPFUL* with unloading groceries- not hearing me tell them repeatedly to leave all fruit, veggies and bread in the basket until all the heavier stuff is done.

Kylie, listening, gets out a gallon of milk... the conveyor area is full of the da&^ fruit I had asked them NOT to put there yet and Kylie looses her grip on the milk.

******SPLAT******

We are now all standing in a gallon of milk.  3 walmart employees stare at my now screaming 4 kids and I (while I frantically try to finish checking myself out with $145 worth of groceries) for a solid 5 minutes... as they stand next to a "spill station" and continue to do nothing.

After 5 minutes or so Kylie says "mommy, should I go get the stuff from the spill station?" To which I reply "No, Obviously it is too far for the people who work here to walk the 12 inches to the spill station, and then another 24 inches to the spill, why should we walk that far"  I think the workers MAY have heard me because one of them said "well shit" and grabbed a roll of paper towels (not gonna touch a gallon of milk spread across the floor by the way)  

Then as I leave I tell the girl shooting me the dirties of looks for the longest amount of time (while doing NOTHING about it) "If you had made any effort to help me, I would have made the kids clean up that mess, and I would have helped them. But if you are too lazy to even make an effort to CALL someone to clean it up then I refuse to care either" and walked out the door.

By the time I was done with HER, the kids are all staring at me with their jaws on the floor. And for ONE BLESSED MINUTE they were silent. They walked out to the van with their little angelic hands each on a corner of the cart, and got into the van without a peep.

What I am MOST proud of was the fact that I did not cry.

I DID get a glass of wine and eat ice cream straight out of the carton while I cooked dinner though.

Now, aren't you glad that you weren't here this evening????

Love you,

Anne